I've been laying in bed for the past 1/2 hour, staring blankly at my fan spinning in circles...I don't know how to handle whats going on. Its been just barely a week since I found out you died, and I think i'm really angry with myself. When I first found out I was hysterical, but I haven't shed a tear since. I've just been so numb to everything. I went to the funeral hoping it would make me feel better, but it didn't. They kept talking about how even though you were always suffering you were still joyful...but I forgot that side of you. I don't rememember you happy. And worst of all, I don't remember you being happy with me. We've both had so much pent up anger towards each other these past three years, and even though we would talk like everything was normal and hang out, I think we both resented each other for past events in our friendship. But recently you were scared, and even though I said I would always be there for you, I know I still held on to that resentment. I wish I didn't. I avoided you recently and I'm so sorry, I wish I could take it back. I had a weird feeling last wednesday to talk to you but I ignored it, and now I'll never have another chance. I wish I could tell you how much I cared about you and the impact you made on my life. I wish we could just lay in each others' laps and make noises to forget the world. Do you remember our plans to live in NYC together and work at Red Rock West? Or our notebook where we saved EVERY convo? And of course stinky and monkey boy...I wish we could have made more recent happy memories, but these will always be in my heart. You will always be in my heart and soul and I will NEVER forget you. I love and miss you little devil, breathe easy.